I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After seeing the worlds deepest woman decend to -100m, and the worlds deepest man come back clean as a whistle from -120m, I had some very big shoes to fill, getting in the water to try to see how far the worlds deepest JoyC could go.  I got in on day 8 of the comp, and made it quite ok to 15m both variable weigth and free immersion, when i got the surface, the best i could say was ' that was fucking awesome, the fish are so beautiful'.  The rope then was extended out to 20m, and i headed down on a 'variable weight attempt' as the pro's in the sport would say it.  it was a bit dark, and i hadnt see the walls of the blue hole at that depth before, and at 15m i let got and swum to the surface.

Today i got into the hole, happy to be able to feel comfortable at 15m, William Winram and Jana strain agreed to be my 'bottom plate' and Kerian agreed to be my safety diver.  I floated around on the surface just watching Will and Jana do some negative drops and hangs, I dove a couple of times and swum thru some small schools of fish while the guns were doing their thing.  Then Kerian said it was time, and took me to the line.  There was some conversation about my bottom plates being at -15 or -20m, I was just busy breathing and trying to relax and visualize, then it was time to go, I breathed up the same way I do for the pool, and then just went for it, a bit anxious because I was pulling myself down, but got into the groove, got to a marking on the rope and thought ' great, im at 10m and I can see Will and Jana waiting for me at 15m - sailed down to them and considered asking them to go down a little further for me, but gave them a hi-fivie, turned and started going up.  On the sufrace I felt good really really good, happy that I had done the 15m and it felt easy and calm, Kerian was yahoo-ing and hugging me and told me that he was close to tears, and gave me big hugs, then Jana and Will came up, yahooing as well.  Quite honestly I thought it was over the top, the way they were celebrating, then Will said "20m!!! good on you" - YES - I went to -20m.....by myself,....no anxiousness.....NO FEAR..... I screamed out "20m..fucking hell your kidding" - I then realised why they were all celebrating so much.  and, as I said at the start of my dive, once I get to -20m I no longer have a fear of water......SO  ...evidently....FEAR IS NO LONGER A FACTOR FOR ME!  

I tried to do a few more drops to 20 - but only managed to get to -12 and -16 - but im still happy!  The blue hole is magical...i proved it today, I am the deepest JoyC in history!

Runaway Trains

talk about going from the sublime to the ridiculous got a couple of runaway trains at the moment, not sure I can even be bothered in trying to stop them- oh well such is life aye. Bahamas is good, hot and sticky, not as much fun as last time tho, the water is nice, I would quite like to be able to spend more time in the water, but basically so far the comp ends and everyone wants to go home, so thats the end of that! Got in in Monday after arriving and swum around, dived down a few metres and had the time of my life really, since then its just been swiming out to the platform and back.

Cant let go of whats going on back home, sleeping is not something my brain will let me do easily at the moment, its too busy torturing me about money, things to do, things I should have done, things I should be doing - same old stuff, the sleeping pills work a treat, i just cant drink and have them at the same time, or I end up awefully sick, so its one or the other, and I want both.

The heat here at night is worse than I remember it from last year, should loose a few kilos just from the sauna which is the bedroom, the windows and door have to be shut, which means no airflow - yuck!

Re-igniting passion

As you know, im a bit of a blood and guts freak.  Today I had an opportunity to be in the back pocket of a medic at a league game - and wow, talk about so very very cool.  Not so much the game - but the injury's these guys deal with.  Needless to say I might have to dust off my copy of Greys Anatomy and start learning about what is connected with what again - you know if you dont use it you loose it, and while my basic anatomy is probably  a bit above average, its all those small bits and pieces that connect to the big bits and pieces I need to dust up on!!!

So - today im happy, its a great feeling - thanks to Deb for making me realise I

 CAN do what I want to.

Count down is on to the big change,...stay tuned!!

no title - dont know what to say

I have all these feelings, and cant put them into words, because the words just dont make sense, and they dont even seem to fit.

Heres what I know, im not happy havent been for ages, what i am not happy with is not my life as such, just my situation, that will change soon - not soon enough.

Im close to breaking, all of this is taking its toll - I'm in need of some serious drugs, some serious rest, and some serious change, all of which will come in time, but maybe not soon enough.

Had it brought to my attention today, that you just cant trust anyone, I know this, but I trust too much, trust that people will do for me, what I wouldnt even think about doing for them. There is so much to change, and me trusting people is a big thing for me to go and change.

Arrgghhhhh i just dont bloody know anymore.

Idle threat or real risk?

Was rocking out to nicleback today and these lyrics hit me:

If everyone cared and no body cried

If  everyone love and nobody lied

If  everyone shared and swallowed their pride

we see the day when nobody died.

and further on:

And as we lied beneath the stars

We realise how small we are

If they could love like you and me

Imagine what the world would be.

Nice huh - if only it could come true. - in reality life is more like their lyrics to "rockstar" 

So  have received a couple of really interesting threats, but its probably all smoke and mirrors. 

Im in 2 minds about them, good luck to them if they do "pull them off" everyone and everything is replaceable, there is little I hang on to now, this type of shit doesnt phase me anymore. 

If I react to these threats, I might play into their hands.  So what to do?  Well I will tell you what, nothing, absolutely nothing at all.  

I will do what I need to do on a day to day basis.  I will say what I need to say, and act how I am expected to act to meet my responsibilities, and aside from that ...nothing at all.

I am tired of explaining my actions and justifying my comments, because people have gone off half cocked about things they have no idea about, most of all, im tired of being treated like the "back up plan" for people when they dont plan properly, and then being held accountable for their actions.

My message to the world, I think the little bear above says it all.

got it?

Ok.

so goals this year

1) finish what was started last year

2) get new venture rocking

3) get new start up launched

4) 2 trips to the bahamas ( april and november) and plenty of trips to pacific islands

5) hit the hundy.

6) weight down to 50 - and same with the heart rate!

should keep me busy :)

Sex, Drugs and Lies

Sounds like a movie title, but it sums up today's events. Arrghhh i don't know where to start, ok so lets start with the Sex.

I didn't think I would have to deal with matters regarding sex at work, have already had to deal with it before, but didn't think it would come up again, this time different person, different situation, same "deed"
I shudder to think about this actually...Ok - enough of that one, its already making my hair curl, on to the 2nd one, drugs.

They are such a waste of...well everything, they destroy so much, and I have found out that when it comes to drugs, you cant do much to change peoples behavior, they are what they are and they wont change until they are ready too, really the whole section on drugs comes back down to lies......read on.

Learn't a big lesson today, trust no one, yes Kerian has told me this for a long long time, that no matter how much you like a person, or how much you think you can trust someone, you will always be let down. Even House says the same thing " everybody lies" and hes always proven right on tv.

I'm more of the other kind of person, try to find the good in everything, despite being proven wrong (ie betrayed or lied to)  by a best friend, 2 business partners, a special person in my life, a trusted colleague and staff, all in the past 4 years, but today, I learnt some pretty big lessons, and one of them was I cant trust the people who say I can, and that if there are drugs in the equation, trust is something that just isn't in their vocab. Like my friend Barry used to say about my ex husband " I can talk to a drunk, but i cant talk to the drink" - I suppose this is true of Drugs as well

Lies - out of all the things that happened today, the lies were the hardest to deal with. I accept mistakes happen, what I have found so hard about today is that when faced with the question " did you....." I was looked straight in the eye, and told "no" when the answer was "yes" even when confronted with the truth this person still claimed that their first story was true, even tho it was completely impossible. That wasn't the end of it, someone I thought I could truly trust, and have placed plenty of trust in, was also a part of the lie, orchestrated it maybe, I don't know, I really don't want to know, but still had enough in them to collaborate and carry off this lie. Now this "act" has caused a rift in a relationship I treasure, I am torn between someones belief in a lie or halftruths, and the actual truth.

It also makes me feel like I project that I am dumb enough to fall for these lies - with the evidence in hand, I couldn't possibly believe them, as much as I wanted to, and as much as I thought I could.

I have learnt some really big lessons today, some really hard lessons, things I always knew, but didn't want to apply to me. I thought I could manage a team with total trust, today I learnt I was wrong, very very wrong on so many levels.

So what to do about it, well .....next year is going to bring about some pretty big changes, the first change tho has to happen with me, get the health right, get myself right, then put on my big girls undies and deal with the things that are wrong, and make them right - im not going to win any friends from it, but fuck em all - what favors have they done me?

Once again, my body is tired, my head is aching, my brain is racing, its going to be another long and sleepless night.

Inspiration, insomnia, diabetes and desperation

Ugh - all i can say is "ugh" totally inspired by a friend of mine to do some great things, even decided on a major event to celebrate my 40th Birthday ( which contrary to popular belief and the way i am feeling at the moment, wasnt a couple of weeks ago!) but unless i can get some sleep soon, i dont know whats going to happen.  Diabetes - well pig cells aside, it would be good to have some control and normality back in my life, I have been feeling so ill now with the change in meds for so long, each day is becomming a blur, i have little concentration and little tolerance, some of that could be because i am not getting enough sleep, but its also got a lot to do with being so worn down from the effects of my blood sugars being constantly high.

It will be nice to start to feel better, feel more energised and focused - how long it will be before i feel that again, - only the big guy upstairs knows.