Re-igniting passion

As you know, im a bit of a blood and guts freak.  Today I had an opportunity to be in the back pocket of a medic at a league game - and wow, talk about so very very cool.  Not so much the game - but the injury's these guys deal with.  Needless to say I might have to dust off my copy of Greys Anatomy and start learning about what is connected with what again - you know if you dont use it you loose it, and while my basic anatomy is probably  a bit above average, its all those small bits and pieces that connect to the big bits and pieces I need to dust up on!!!

So - today im happy, its a great feeling - thanks to Deb for making me realise I

 CAN do what I want to.

Count down is on to the big change,...stay tuned!!

no title - dont know what to say

I have all these feelings, and cant put them into words, because the words just dont make sense, and they dont even seem to fit.

Heres what I know, im not happy havent been for ages, what i am not happy with is not my life as such, just my situation, that will change soon - not soon enough.

Im close to breaking, all of this is taking its toll - I'm in need of some serious drugs, some serious rest, and some serious change, all of which will come in time, but maybe not soon enough.

Had it brought to my attention today, that you just cant trust anyone, I know this, but I trust too much, trust that people will do for me, what I wouldnt even think about doing for them. There is so much to change, and me trusting people is a big thing for me to go and change.

Arrgghhhhh i just dont bloody know anymore.

Idle threat or real risk?

Was rocking out to nicleback today and these lyrics hit me:

If everyone cared and no body cried

If  everyone love and nobody lied

If  everyone shared and swallowed their pride

we see the day when nobody died.

and further on:

And as we lied beneath the stars

We realise how small we are

If they could love like you and me

Imagine what the world would be.

Nice huh - if only it could come true. - in reality life is more like their lyrics to "rockstar" 

So  have received a couple of really interesting threats, but its probably all smoke and mirrors. 

Im in 2 minds about them, good luck to them if they do "pull them off" everyone and everything is replaceable, there is little I hang on to now, this type of shit doesnt phase me anymore. 

If I react to these threats, I might play into their hands.  So what to do?  Well I will tell you what, nothing, absolutely nothing at all.  

I will do what I need to do on a day to day basis.  I will say what I need to say, and act how I am expected to act to meet my responsibilities, and aside from that ...nothing at all.

I am tired of explaining my actions and justifying my comments, because people have gone off half cocked about things they have no idea about, most of all, im tired of being treated like the "back up plan" for people when they dont plan properly, and then being held accountable for their actions.

My message to the world, I think the little bear above says it all.

got it?

Ok.

so goals this year

1) finish what was started last year

2) get new venture rocking

3) get new start up launched

4) 2 trips to the bahamas ( april and november) and plenty of trips to pacific islands

5) hit the hundy.

6) weight down to 50 - and same with the heart rate!

should keep me busy :)

Sex, Drugs and Lies

Sounds like a movie title, but it sums up today's events. Arrghhh i don't know where to start, ok so lets start with the Sex.

I didn't think I would have to deal with matters regarding sex at work, have already had to deal with it before, but didn't think it would come up again, this time different person, different situation, same "deed"
I shudder to think about this actually...Ok - enough of that one, its already making my hair curl, on to the 2nd one, drugs.

They are such a waste of...well everything, they destroy so much, and I have found out that when it comes to drugs, you cant do much to change peoples behavior, they are what they are and they wont change until they are ready too, really the whole section on drugs comes back down to lies......read on.

Learn't a big lesson today, trust no one, yes Kerian has told me this for a long long time, that no matter how much you like a person, or how much you think you can trust someone, you will always be let down. Even House says the same thing " everybody lies" and hes always proven right on tv.

I'm more of the other kind of person, try to find the good in everything, despite being proven wrong (ie betrayed or lied to)  by a best friend, 2 business partners, a special person in my life, a trusted colleague and staff, all in the past 4 years, but today, I learnt some pretty big lessons, and one of them was I cant trust the people who say I can, and that if there are drugs in the equation, trust is something that just isn't in their vocab. Like my friend Barry used to say about my ex husband " I can talk to a drunk, but i cant talk to the drink" - I suppose this is true of Drugs as well

Lies - out of all the things that happened today, the lies were the hardest to deal with. I accept mistakes happen, what I have found so hard about today is that when faced with the question " did you....." I was looked straight in the eye, and told "no" when the answer was "yes" even when confronted with the truth this person still claimed that their first story was true, even tho it was completely impossible. That wasn't the end of it, someone I thought I could truly trust, and have placed plenty of trust in, was also a part of the lie, orchestrated it maybe, I don't know, I really don't want to know, but still had enough in them to collaborate and carry off this lie. Now this "act" has caused a rift in a relationship I treasure, I am torn between someones belief in a lie or halftruths, and the actual truth.

It also makes me feel like I project that I am dumb enough to fall for these lies - with the evidence in hand, I couldn't possibly believe them, as much as I wanted to, and as much as I thought I could.

I have learnt some really big lessons today, some really hard lessons, things I always knew, but didn't want to apply to me. I thought I could manage a team with total trust, today I learnt I was wrong, very very wrong on so many levels.

So what to do about it, well .....next year is going to bring about some pretty big changes, the first change tho has to happen with me, get the health right, get myself right, then put on my big girls undies and deal with the things that are wrong, and make them right - im not going to win any friends from it, but fuck em all - what favors have they done me?

Once again, my body is tired, my head is aching, my brain is racing, its going to be another long and sleepless night.

Inspiration, insomnia, diabetes and desperation

Ugh - all i can say is "ugh" totally inspired by a friend of mine to do some great things, even decided on a major event to celebrate my 40th Birthday ( which contrary to popular belief and the way i am feeling at the moment, wasnt a couple of weeks ago!) but unless i can get some sleep soon, i dont know whats going to happen.  Diabetes - well pig cells aside, it would be good to have some control and normality back in my life, I have been feeling so ill now with the change in meds for so long, each day is becomming a blur, i have little concentration and little tolerance, some of that could be because i am not getting enough sleep, but its also got a lot to do with being so worn down from the effects of my blood sugars being constantly high.

It will be nice to start to feel better, feel more energised and focused - how long it will be before i feel that again, - only the big guy upstairs knows.

Heres another article that was published about facing fears by Sarah.

http://xtremesport4u.wordpress.com/2008/11/14/the-art-of-conquering-fear/

Where did the time go

Man - time is flying realy fast.  Vertical Blue 09 has been confirmed, we are still paying off the cost of the last one! Christmas is nearly here, I think we will just hide away from all of that expense.  There doesnt seem to have been much time to come up for air in the past 6 months ( and its not just because of the freediving!) with work, health and other commitments sucking all of the available time.  Im starting to make more new years resolutions in anticipation of 2009 now - the last ones " do more for me" have worked out really well - next year might be an extension of that " everything you do, you do it for you" sounds good.   This year i have met a lot of very selfish people, who want all they can get from you, but arent willing to give, or they just cant see past their nose far enough to realise that there are more people in this world than themselves.  Its a shame really, the world would be such a nicer place if we could all just get along and help each other!