The fear monster

Today I got my first "fright" in the water since I started feeling comfortable in the water, it was not a "boo" type of a fright, but a realisation type fright, where you have scenarios running through you head along the lines of " what if ...what if"

Heres what happened. I tried to swim with Kerians Neckweight ( 2kg) and Wendys weight belt (1.2kg) as I took off it felt good, but when the momentum of the first push off dissipated I felt a weird sinking feeling. The pool we are using at the moment is 1.6m deep, but 2/3rds of the way along, it drops to 3m. What went through my head was " if I run out of air, and I am too close to the bottom, and I cant get up, im in trouble". The reality is that I am not going to run out of air on one length of the pool, if I am at the bottom I will stop and try to head for the surface and if that happens, who ever is in the water is going to grab me. This is the problem with fears, they can be irrational. I have spent the last 3 months trying to rationalise my fear and put it in its place, I had all the answers to my fear, I visualsed being in the water and kept telling myself, "I cant sink when I am wearing a wetsuit, there are no sharks in the blue hole, theres nothing that can hurt me" etc etc, and when I did get little fears come up I dealt with them rationally. Today when I said " I didn't like it" I was thinking " I'm shit scared. I didn't have the answer to what the rationalisation was for this fear. I got rid of the neck weight and tried again, Kerian made me do another 5 x 25m swims after the first 2 "failed attempts" - he kept pushing me, and by the first couple I started to regain that comfort again. I am sitting here now thinking about how I felt and know i just have to keep trying. This whole water thing is starting to become my challenge, after feeling beaten over many things that have happened over the past few years, this is one thing i feel i can have total control over, and determine my own destiny with.