Monday, December 15, 2008

Sex, Drugs and Lies

Sounds like a movie title, but it sums up today's events. Arrghhh i don't know where to start, ok so lets start with the Sex.

I didn't think I would have to deal with matters regarding sex at work, have already had to deal with it before, but didn't think it would come up again, this time different person, different situation, same "deed"
I shudder to think about this actually...Ok - enough of that one, its already making my hair curl, on to the 2nd one, drugs.

They are such a waste of...well everything, they destroy so much, and I have found out that when it comes to drugs, you cant do much to change peoples behavior, they are what they are and they wont change until they are ready too, really the whole section on drugs comes back down to on.

Learn't a big lesson today, trust no one, yes Kerian has told me this for a long long time, that no matter how much you like a person, or how much you think you can trust someone, you will always be let down. Even House says the same thing " everybody lies" and hes always proven right on tv.

I'm more of the other kind of person, try to find the good in everything, despite being proven wrong (ie betrayed or lied to)  by a best friend, 2 business partners, a special person in my life, a trusted colleague and staff, all in the past 4 years, but today, I learnt some pretty big lessons, and one of them was I cant trust the people who say I can, and that if there are drugs in the equation, trust is something that just isn't in their vocab. Like my friend Barry used to say about my ex husband " I can talk to a drunk, but i cant talk to the drink" - I suppose this is true of Drugs as well

Lies - out of all the things that happened today, the lies were the hardest to deal with. I accept mistakes happen, what I have found so hard about today is that when faced with the question " did you....." I was looked straight in the eye, and told "no" when the answer was "yes" even when confronted with the truth this person still claimed that their first story was true, even tho it was completely impossible. That wasn't the end of it, someone I thought I could truly trust, and have placed plenty of trust in, was also a part of the lie, orchestrated it maybe, I don't know, I really don't want to know, but still had enough in them to collaborate and carry off this lie. Now this "act" has caused a rift in a relationship I treasure, I am torn between someones belief in a lie or halftruths, and the actual truth.

It also makes me feel like I project that I am dumb enough to fall for these lies - with the evidence in hand, I couldn't possibly believe them, as much as I wanted to, and as much as I thought I could.

I have learnt some really big lessons today, some really hard lessons, things I always knew, but didn't want to apply to me. I thought I could manage a team with total trust, today I learnt I was wrong, very very wrong on so many levels.

So what to do about it, well year is going to bring about some pretty big changes, the first change tho has to happen with me, get the health right, get myself right, then put on my big girls undies and deal with the things that are wrong, and make them right - im not going to win any friends from it, but fuck em all - what favors have they done me?

Once again, my body is tired, my head is aching, my brain is racing, its going to be another long and sleepless night.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Inspiration, insomnia, diabetes and desperation

Ugh - all i can say is "ugh" totally inspired by a friend of mine to do some great things, even decided on a major event to celebrate my 40th Birthday ( which contrary to popular belief and the way i am feeling at the moment, wasnt a couple of weeks ago!) but unless i can get some sleep soon, i dont know whats going to happen.  Diabetes - well pig cells aside, it would be good to have some control and normality back in my life, I have been feeling so ill now with the change in meds for so long, each day is becomming a blur, i have little concentration and little tolerance, some of that could be because i am not getting enough sleep, but its also got a lot to do with being so worn down from the effects of my blood sugars being constantly high.

It will be nice to start to feel better, feel more energised and focused - how long it will be before i feel that again, - only the big guy upstairs knows.